My relationship with Logan started immediately after we met at the Café. You knew I was happy and something had changed, but you never asked or even mentioned it. For months we exchanged calls and emails until I took the kids to that camp in Vegas.
Logan and Megan joined us and it was the best vacation ever. We swam, ate junk food and the children messed up their rooms and clothes without being told off for being kids. They played big sis to Megan while Logan and I spent time getting to know each other better.
Anyone would think we spent our time jumping in and out of bed, but we were both too numb from our lives to even think about sex. The most we did was kiss and even that was too emotional to handle. I never knew you damaged me this badly Wills and all for what? Your desire to control and validate me according to what you deem as fit and acceptable!
Are you not shocked that you never even had a clue about any of this. Pippa and Jojo sure talked enough about Logan and Megan, but you never once wondered who these people were or that our entire trip was spent with them or around them. Once Pippa said something about mommy and Logan dancing and what was it you said? “Oh yeah, you danced with a guy Zi? Poor bastard must have been pitiful. You felt sorry for him?”
It never occurred to you that whoever the man was, could have been a real man or that I was interested in him or him in me. I suppose this only proves how much in love with yourself and your world you are because all the signs were there and yet you were too blind to see. When I began to protest that I no longer wanted this life with you, what did you do? Absolutely nothing!
Instead you called me selfish! “You just can’t walk away Zizi….marriage is for life!”
How arrogant of you. Hell yeah it’s for life if it’s working! We were no longer working Wills. I can’t say I blame you much, look at your role models; your freaking mother and father. Two people who absolutely detest each other yet still together after 38 years and pretending to be happiness. I choose differently Wills and for this you are being vengeful. This is one case you cannot win! You can’t argue your way out of this one or hope to sway the jury, William….this is real! Not one of your cases.
I am so weary of our fights and arguments. Why do you allow us lose so much of ourselves all because you want to prove me wrong; If you do succeed in proving me wrong, what next? Who will you live with afterwards Wills? Me? The same one you’ll expose as a cheat and liar?
Do you really expect me to still want to be with you after your victory? Do you think we could still love each other in the aftermath of your justification? Do you honestly think or expect that I will forget all the sorrow, pain and many colorful names and adjectives you have so used to describe me in the last three months?
On one hand I have you to contend with, on the other I had your mother to deal with too. You had your pick of so many women that suited you, according to your mom. But you chose me! Poor woman, she never did like me much! Even after the girls came she still did not bend. She was the only obstruction to us being together.
I never told you this, but when you first took me to see her, your obnoxious mother naturally assumed I was hungry and did the only thing people like her know how to do, offer me money to leave. I was everything she did not want in a daughter in law.
“Darling she’s black! She supposedly whispered to you even though the entire county heard her! That should have been my cue to exit but your response won me over. You were livid and yelled back that sure I was….”Her mother was black mom…it’s only natural she would be half black don’t you think? But wait mother! She’s not too dark for you is she? You yelled at the top of your voice winking at me and the entire guests at her party turned towards us.
You were gutsy back then Wills….I smiled all through and waved off your apology. Your mother may be a millionaire, but the silly cow didn’t know so was I. I think back to those days and I smile because you didn’t know I was worth anything either…my Walmart clothes and Payless shoes were just fine with you and that day at the court house in Richmond…I was so proud to be your wife in my $10 jeans and second hand flip flops.
What happened to you wills? Money never used to mean anything to you. What happened that you now live and breathe money? Everything that drew me to you, every character trait and mannerism which endeared you to me seems to have flown out the window and it all began the year of that damned reunion.
We had millions in the bank, but happy living a simple life. What did you see or want that made you change? Why on earth did you become your mother’s child? For years you never let me spend my money, you had enough for us you always said and I of course couldn’t care less either way. I never wanted the burden of work and making more, all I wanted was to live a simple life with you William and for a while there; we did just that.
I have to apologize for this visit to our distant past but it’s necessary for you to see how far you have regressed. The things you loathed and abhorred the most have become second nature to you and you dare say I’m the one who has changed?
Together we have enough to last 10 people a lifetime and that’s not counting the restaurant. Yet you buried yourself in work…your desire for more scares me to death. I lost my way just so that I would not lose you or my world with you; I became exactly what you wanted…a trophy wife.
We were supposed to be on the same team but only one of us was a team player! You did not even pause when you began to agree more with your mother! Your mother…the woman you referred to as the cold hearted bitch! There must have been a reason why you nicknamed her that. But you were lost in the vulgarity of your excesses and my tiny voice became sour grapes in your mouth.
I want you to think Wills…look back and accept the rather big part you played in the destruction of our life together. I tried telling you several times but you stared at me like I was speaking French. Now we find ourselves here, and you dare ask why?
At a point in time you mistook my silence and submission for happiness and years later when I had the courage to protest, you dared turn your nose up at me. I still see the snobbery of your mother and her confusion when she found out I was not the poor desperate girl from the other side of the fence. I never did mind her Wills…at least she was honest, but what about you? That was the shock of my life.
You blame everything on my betrayal. “You betrayed me Zainab! You screamed. “And I’ll never forgive you for that!” You looked all proper and shocked as you condemned me for my actions; actions that would never have come to light, if only I had listened to Logan.
He knew you better than I did and warned me, but I wouldn’t listen. In all that has happened, I still wonder why you are so bitter? You should be glad you are finally rid of me shouldn’t you? You have everything…our girls, more than half our money, the house and even my restaurant and yet you will not let me be. I willingly gave it all up Wills…for you; for Pippa and Jojo.
As I look back to the last five months, I’m filled with sadness because in all that happened, we came out from this with far too many scars when it could have been so much less painful and bitter. I can truthfully say that my infidelity to you was an emotional one. What you failed to give, I got from Logan and he was happy to be with me and take things slow.
You and I were already undone Wills. Logan had nothing to do with us falling apart. This you did all by yourself. I can’t say I didn’t play a part in it all…after all I did allow you take me to the depths of my despair, hoping against hope that you would wake up one day and see me; Zizi.
After the separation , Logan and I lived the simple life I began with you. Between Georgia and here, he got a lovely cottage up there in Kingwood and that became home.
I still remember that morning when everything finally came to light. I felt a mixture of relief and panic but was glad it was finally out in the open. You stood there with that holier than thou look both you and your mother have perfected over the years. If looks could kill Wills, I would have died that morning!
“What is this? What the hell is this Zainab? Who the hell is Molly? No! Who the hell is Logan?”
I began to answer but you pulled me off the bed and shoved my phone in my face. The text simply read “You shameless whore, does your husband know you’re fucking another man? I will forward all the messages to him; let’s see how he likes knowing his wife is a useless whore.”
Molly must have come across my text to Logan… You didn’t let me speak, all you did was yell and to date; I still can’t say that I heard half of what you said. All I remember was waking up and you standing over me as the paramedics wheeled me out. The entire neighborhood gathered in front of our house.
I was glad my babies were nowhere in sight that day…for once in her life your mother’s timing was perfect! Their trip to the Grand Canyon with your dad was perfectly timed. I don’t know how I would have looked them in the face and explained what was happening to us.
Three days I laid in that hospital bed and you never showed or called. You took my cell and I didn’t have a way of contacting Logan. I later understood that you found your way to Logan’s cottage and asked him why he ruined your life?
You did that Wills? You…the original Mr. Cool? I smiled wryly, ahh…something finally woke you up!