You did it again this morning, snuggled up to me and held me close. My back turned, you could not see the fear on my face. God no! Please not today I prayed silently. I was numb and tried really hard to feel something for you. What an irony! Used to be that all it took was your touch and I would be there with you, ready to make love.
Wanting me more has so much to do with our session a few mornings ago. How do I begin to tell you that I was not making love to you? Now you want more and I dare not refuse, but I did refuse, in the kindest possible manner. Did I do wrong when I gently nudged you and murmured “No not now Wills.”?
That was all it took for you turn on me.
“Why?” You yelled, “If I’m not getting it, then who the hell is? Come on Zizi this is crazy! We never make love anymore; everything has to be on your timetable!”
“But we just made love yesterday! I retorted, “Besides I’m hurting! Why can’t you understand that? I yelled back in my defense and thankfully it worked! You quickly found your way to utopia…your workplace.
I want you to cast your mind back to days like this because you seem not to remember what sapped the life out of us or what started this whole shit.
I got ready for my meeting with Logan later this afternoon and soon forgot about your cruel words rather too quickly…I was quite eager to see him. I wanted him to see me, notice the woman that I am and appreciate me, so I wore a dress that flattered me and red lipstick. And I never gave you a second thought. All I could think about was Logan and I felt like a sixteen year old on a first date…I longed to be in his arms once again.
We met in the Woodlands, a quiet little Cafe out of the way; he got a sitter for Megan so we could catch up uninterrupted. Being with him again was the most natural thing; it was as if I had known him forever. He kissed my cheeks and we sat in a quiet corner somewhere at the back. You should have seen him Wills, the way he looked at me. All he saw was me and nothing else. There was a yearning in him, savoring every inch of me. When his eyes stopped on my waist a shiver ran down my spine. You used to look at me this way wills, like I was the only woman in the room.
Logan made me realize what I have been missing. Do you remember when we first met? How you hung on everything from my lips and I yours. We both wanted to know and do everything to make each other happy and we did! Nobody mattered more. The minute you began the nonsense about babies, questioning my reasons and calling me selfish, was the day you gradually began to sap the life out of our marriage.
On the other hand I can’t really say you respect my opinions…I remember wanting to run a cafe, somewhere I could bake cinnamon rolls and apple pies and cook bacon and eggs. You found the very notion appalling, Wills. You joked and called it silly, “Are you playing house or do you want to run a business?” Because I lived for you, I went with your dreams and of course you bank rolled the whole thing. Before I knew it, my simple breakfast place turned into a money machine.
Ironically, the misery of my life with you became the key that freed Logan from his prison. I was the patient, but he received the healing! Can you even imagine this? All those months of venting; all he saw was a mirror image of his cold miserable existence. No wonder he never spoke a word! We were both living in a parallel universe.
So there we sat in that quiet little cafe, staring at each other and though not much was said, I found contentment beyond words and explanation. I felt free, safe and unspoiled. As if my old self was given back to me. I remember Logan asking me, “What do we do now Ziz?” For the first time in those two hours I thought of you and my babies. I knew he would know the minute he set eyes on those two that they were his; my dilemma was whether to tell him then or wait till later.
One thing I’ve learnt from you is never put anything off till later, so I whipped out my wallet and showed him the photos. At first he did not get it…then he looked again and sat upright. His eyes became alive and he looked at me, shocked. “My goodness, they are mine!” He was final…there was no doubt or questions, he simply smiled and asked “Would you have ever looked for me? Tell me Zanaib… if I never showed up?”
He already knew the answer, but did not have a single blame in his heart towards me. I shook my head confirming what he already knew. “William is their daddy Logan, he will always be.”
He smiled and said he knew. Somehow he seemed satisfied just knowing they existed. Then I thought about you and your obsessive ways and nature. Would you have been so understanding and accepting?
You see Wills; this familiar stranger gradually taught me about life, reminding me how it should be and not what it is right now. He showed me this through his simple attitude towards life.
I have always loved you Wills and probably will for the rest of my life but I have finally come to accept that I’m not in love with you. I may have been sometime in the past, but not anymore. Especially not in the last five years!
Time went by fast and we had to say goodbyes. I was not going to see him again on this particular trip. So we exchanged emails and numbers.