Try as I may, I can’t begin to see any way in which you have triumphed or come out on top. You have everything but are you happy Wills? Your attempt to strip me of everything is what you unknowingly did to yourself. Your attempts to bully me emotionally and psychologically have failed. Even at the moment of my lowest ebb you still tried to tower over me.
You know how I ended up in hospital and what you did to put me there. Do you feel more of a man knowing you almost took my life? I know these memories I drag up might be as painful for you as they are for me, but I feel compelled to take your mind albeit unwillingly down memory lane.
I do so without malice. My intention is not to cause you harm, but to free myself of all the hurt and pain I carry inside. Maybe in freeing myself, I just might help free you too. What was the purpose of your restraining order against Logan coming to see me in hospital? Was this an attempt to cause me further pain? Even more than the physical harm you had already done?
As much as I would like to blame you, I blame all our woes on your dreaded reunion; it gave birth to your longing for children and the lust to prove yourself a success. So in a way we are all victims of your fucking reunion; you, me and our kids. They say there’s a thin line between love and hate, yet though I’m reluctant to believe you hate me. I believe your love for me was always blinded by your ignorance and claim to superiority in every aspect of our existence.
Always trying to groom and mold me into your idea of good or proper. I thank God you did not succeed in taming me Wills….I rest easy knowing you will neither succeed to taming my babies…look at them already. They are just as head strong and as passionate as I am.
To spite me you delayed giving me a divorce…somehow I cannot help but think that you and Molly are kindred spirits. Despite having an affair of her own with a Swiss billionaire, she still chooses not to give Logan a divorce simply to punish him. Divorce would mean letting him off easy she said! She has done everything in the book to frustrate Logan’s life, especially since she knows that all he really cares about is Megan. Despite not having an ounce of love for Megan, she has continually threatened to fight him with custody battles and for Logan that is as good as taking his life.
In your own case you were hell bent in making sure I did not take my girls along with me. I must confess that in the entirety of my life with you, I have never seen or heard you be so final and serious before. I can still hear your voice loud and clear:
“DON’T YOU DARE THINK YOU ARE TAKING MY BABIES ANYWHERE ZAINAB! YOU MAY CLAIM THEY BELONG TO YOUR LOVER….HECK HIS DNA MIGHT BE STAMPED ALL OVER THEM, BUT THEY ARE MINE! YOU HEAR ME! THEY ARE MINE! THOSE TWO ARE MY CHILDREN AND NO ONE BUT ME WILL RAISE THEM. IF THEY ARE TO CALL ANYONE DAD IT WILL BE ME AND NO ONE ELSE.”
Contrary to your thoughts, Logan never wanted to take them away or from you….that’s just the way he’s made Wills…a man with integrity and convictions.
“Children need love Zizi,” he spoke softly. “And I don’t think mine could rival what I already see in William, baby. He’s exactly what they need.”
I was ready to fight you for my girls and I had no doubt I would get them, but once again Logan trumped me with his calm logic and not once did he disrespect you; even when he had motive to.
“You don’t wound a man that way and expect civility Zizi…I don’t know what life with him did to you, but I do know that you must allow him heal whatever way he sees fit. If his healing involves retaliation as punishment to you then so be it; as long as you are not in physical danger.”
Who thinks like this? You know as well as I do that I don’t; neither would you. So I let Logan do the thinking for me.
I honestly can’t reconcile the William I used to know with the monster you have become. This heartless monster I have come to know over the last four and a half years is not the same man who rocked me to sleep when period pains wreaked havoc in my body or hold an ice cream cone for two blocks as it melted just so I could taste my favorite toffee and mint flavor from the only truck that ran in the neighborhood during the cold November months. This can’t be that same man!
Even worse, you brought your mother into the whole thing and gave her the satisfaction of saying I told you so. “I always knew you were trash!” She gloated as I took the last of my things. That moment amongst many, were defining moments in both our lives. Bringing us both to the point where neither of us is willing or ready to retract all that we had said or done.
Your arrogance truly amazes me. You could not accept that someone or something other than you could occupy my mind and that pissed you off. To further compound matters, you could not understand my calmness in the whole matter. Calm I definitely was not Wills. I was numb! Numb from many years of subtle manipulation to conform to your standards. So this present scandal and disgrace that my actions had brought on me was nothing to cry over…if anything I was elated! A strange sort of euphoria seemed to consume my being and I was not afraid to leave you anymore. I knew now that I could still be me; the original and unadulterated me.
I’m so sorry I hurt you baby! Baby…I haven’t called you that in a long while. I’m so sorry because it took Logan for me to realize I’m not in love with you. The fact is I never was, but I do love you wills. You grew on me. I love your smile and your old spirit; I love your weird and wacky sense of humor and I love your zest for life.
But you see, that William no longer exists! Perhaps that was why I began to get lost in the first place. Initially, you and I found comfort in each other and ran with it. When you really look at it, you will see that you were never really in love with me either!
How could you be? The very reactions you have to our being undone are proof enough that you never were. They say love has no reason…it just loves! Look what you did and still do all on the account of your illusions of love. Think about the man whose face, heart and personality has captured my fancy. And remember when you first met me. Think about the renewed joy in my heart and imagine finding that in your own world. You can’t tell me that all those friends whom are the original reason for you finding your real self, or rather accepting your real self, cannot also bring out in you your purest desires. This is the life you want…a life of too much and too soon but it’s not mine.
I can do better than that William…better than that person both you and your mom see as a deceitful cowardly wimp. I can and have done better than that by coming clean. I have laid it bare and the rest is now up to you.
I realize you and I are both broken and need to heal. Logan says I will heal when you do; so I’m asking you to please forgive me…