Okay I see where this is going. I must have fallen and hit my head because you can’t fake amnesia all of a sudden and I’m made to look like a bitch! What makes you think that my needs and wants are not valued because they make no sense to you?
In waking up from my slumber, I have taken a step back from the ‘You complete me’ mentality I previously clung to. But this does not mean I have betrayed you or us. I am guilty for allowing you believe the notion that we operate on your schedule alone; this I did ‘like a good wife’, simply for peace sake…but now I realize where I went wrong.
Despite your bullying and manipulative ways, I refuse for you to drag me to hell and back simply to prove my so-called love to you. The moment you felt I needed to prove my love should have been your cue to vamoose. Yes! I said it, disappear, cut me loose…whatever term you are happy to use.
The bottom line is that living in doubt and making me suffer along with you was the cruelest thing you ever did to me. I had to constantly remind myself what started all of this. What got us to this junction between ‘our house is no longer a happy home’, and ‘the highway to hell’?
The more I thought of it, the more it dawned on me that you have self-esteem issues and are like a spoilt child throwing fits when denied having your own way. This is something common in marriages where one party wants to control anything and everything, but would rather die than acknowledge such flaws in themselves.
It’s easier for you to turn your nose up in the air and frown at other culprits, call them names and psychoanalyze them, but the minute such traits are pointed out in your personality, all hell breaks loose!
How dare I? You say. I dare because I no longer choose to be this drum you beat upon to fuel your false sense of superiority, all in the name of what you call love.
It seems just like yesterday, but it’s been five years Wills, five fucking years since you dragged me through the gates of hell and I cannot claim to be the same again. We got married because it was the sensible thing to do—we were in love.
The odd friction from certain members of your family didn’t matter. Fuck them! We said, and yeah, in the end they really did not matter. We were in absolute bliss. We both had our demons, but we overcame them. Love was always enough and came right in to rescue us when needed.
You always knew me from the very start; my makeup, flaws and fixations. I knew yours too and as much as some of these bugged me, I knew essentially that it all came with the package that was you. Until you flipped everything on me.
Everything became my fault. It was me and my crap all the way. My choices and friends suddenly became a problem after almost thirteen years of living with them. Then you began that thing you do and soon I found myself always apologizing, pleading, appeasing. It got too much Wills…you got too much!
We both said no kids. You and I were supposed to have fun baby…travel, see the world and grow old together. But then came that reunion you went to. Seeing all your friends in their picture perfect little world; kids and all! Now you wanted kids and my needs no longer mattered. I did not matter to you.
You knew my fears and reasons for not wanting to carry a child. My mother dying while birthing me no longer meant anything or you conveniently forgot? Why did you previously stand by me when some idiots gossiped and bad mouthed me?
All it took was some old high school friends and their snotty nosed kids, and you threw a decade of a loving respectful relationship under the bus!
I don’t know what made me madder, you or your holding onto this insane notion that it was not up to me. Yes, it is! It’s my fucking body! Yet you say you love me? I must have fallen and hit my head Wills, since when did love become so arrogant and pig headed?
You put this strain on us and soon we started spending time apart. I buried my head in food and drink; spending all my time in the restaurant and ironically we made the most money that year. We won three awards Wills, all because I got distracted from life with you. I created two new dishes and what do you know, they scored big time! Having all this prestige and money along with it did not make a difference, our world could not have been more miserable. But you were ecstatic, at least for a brief moment. You stopped brooding and we actually seemed to be on the mend.
But you had created a deep sorrow within me that made me cry myself to sleep every night, long after you had snored off to dreamland. I felt betrayed, but imagining life without you was even worse. This led to therapy sessions you didn’t even know about.
It was my venting sessions. The man listened, I talked and he got paid two hundred and fifty dollars an hour. It took six months to talk myself out and the therapist never said a word all through. The most he ever did was nod or smile and on really special days when my water works was just too traumatic, he would offer tissue and twice a shoulder.
I said goodbye to him one afternoon after he offered his shoulder, because this time it went further. One minute I was crying and the next I was on the sofa with him inside me. There was no disrobing. Frenzied and lost, I simply let this man inside me and he had me for ten amazing minutes.
In the aftermath, he was shocked and embarrassed and looked like his world had ended.
I returned home later that day, took a shower and decided that since what got me here was your insane obsession for a kid, we would have that kid. You were in your study working, but I was determined to have you and you never could resist me. We made love that afternoon and I cried all through. You thought I was crying from pure passion and bliss, and never knew I mourned my freedom. Our twins were conceived that day and nine months later, two gorgeous girls came into our lives.
Those two were like magic…they completely transformed us, our thinking and perception of things. I suddenly realized how stupid my fears had been and for the first time in a rather long while, I loved you all over again!
You were my hero! It took your selfishness and bullying to give me Pippa and Jojo.
We had been given a second chance. Four years on and I never saw or heard from Logan my therapist again, and you were none the wiser. No harm done I told myself over and over and it worked at first. I carried on with life with you and I was super mom. The restaurant was awesome. Everything exactly as should be and your career soared. We were the golden couple in the eyes of many and those two, Pippa and Jojo were incredibly gratifying.
My life was what many would kill for, but why the hell wasn’t I happy? Why is it I still saw those hazel eyes whenever mine were closed? Why did I suddenly develop a taste for whiskey when I could not stand the thing before? Why does a certain piece from Carmen perpetually besiege my brains? I guess I owe that to one of my venting days. I turned up, sat on the couch about to vent but he spoke,”No! not today Zizi…he puts this thing on and made me listen over and over. When we were done, he said the session was on him and left the room. That was his attempt at re-awakening passion, what passion I later asked but he never did say. He just went back to listening…
Why do I hear my name roll off his lips almost in a caress and why the hell do I make love to him when you are the one touching me, Wills? Five years on and I still smell him, feel him and taste him.