I cried so much yesterday my face hurt. I cried because my world is so muddled, even I have difficulty navigating it every day of my life. What can I tell you? I cry because the one whom I share my life with is the one who causes all the tears and his reasons are many. They are many, mean and baseless. Hence I will never accept his rational that I’m the cause of his many damaging behaviours
I woke up this morning and like clockwork, he struck again and I cried some more. Somehow yesterday’s tears did not satiate him, neither did it merit acknowledgement from him, which would explain his need to make me cry today. He knows how to work his magic. A little grimace here, a frown there before the unleashing of the full wrath of the Almighty himself upon me. By jove it works this time and I cry buckets full.
This is what happens when two people find themselves between the “I love you but I need more” crescent.
It’s no longer a question of whether you love, but how much do you love? When this happens, a lot of blame is pushed around and people who once professed so much love for each other, suddenly go rogue; a free fall of insults ensues and denigration becomes the order of the day. Each trying really hard to outdo the other and still managing to retain the shield they built around themselves for protection.
I ache so much, I can’t even move my jaw and my eyes are swollen. I look at myself in the mirror and I can’t recognize this stranger. Who is this old woman, where has Zizi gone? I splash some water on my face and pull my eyelids back, urgh! That’s even worse, I look like an alien. I make a resolve right there and then, I will never cry again, not for him or his words!
I look in the room and he’s still in bed, I stare at him for a while and unconsciously a smile sneaks up my lips. He looks so innocent sleeping like that, his head tucked under his arms and legs curled up in the fetal position. That’s his protective curl…..he only does that when we row, and I tell him I want to leave.