I will love you forever, it didn’t matter if you stopped loving me, or you grew tired of me, my love for you will never die. I will never feel sorry for loving you or regret that I ever met you or fell in love with you. You filled my heart with so much joy ever since I laid my eyes on you. I fell in love with you that first day, captured and enthralled, I am no longer the same person. I smile when I think of you, I laugh out with joy at the thought of you, and many wondered if I was alright in the head. I saw my world in a whole new color all because of you.
You my darling made me so happy, I bless the day that I found you. Now how can I forget you? How do I begin to build another world outside of you? I made so many mistakes in my life, and made some bad choices along with it, but loving you is one thing I know I did right.
This is the one thing I can boldly say is not going to haunt me in my life. I finally found my perfect love, and once more, life had to come biting me on the butt.
All I know is that for once in my life, I found the real thing. I didn’t care if those words never came out of your lips, It didn’t matter about the future, all I saw was the present. I relished the here and now my love; your touch, your scent, your lure. I felt your spark inside of my soul that churned me so. Gone now, but you still remain forever in my heart.
I live each day thanking my stars that I loved again. I would have gone a hundred miles and back, if that would have bought me some more time with you; but what’s in buying time, when they said that you soon will leave me for another world. They said not long now, but you said otherwise, and stayed a little longer, six whole months more.
From the day we met, your bedside became my lunch room and coffee breaks. Suddenly you seemed more alive, they all said new life was pumped into you. A miracle some called it, but you laughed and said not even death will deny you this love.
Remission they called it and sent you home, but you left your home and moved into mine. You even returned to school and your 5th graders in Martins Elementary did an evening of songs in your honor. Parents cheered, colleagues marveled, everyone called you a Miracle, miracle Tim. They said you cheated death twice in one year, we were just thankful for the chance to be together, to nurture this love that sneaked up on us.
Ours was like a romance holiday, each day spent seeking, knowing, discovering and finding the very exciting things we could do to each other, and yes we did do. You said it was the most fun in your life, all 48 years it. You used to say that Cancer was not all that bad, because it brought me to you and I thought and still think how weird it was; that you could see it in that way. Oh Timothy my sweet, sweet love, only you could think like that!
I cried the morning the sheets stained with blood, just 3 months of bliss and the funny guy decides it’s time for a laugh. Those were your words when I cried “why, oh why?” why can’t you be angry as me? Why do you joke about this my love? I watch you roll your eyes, and it was then that I saw it for the first time; I saw you plead for just a little more time. I breathe a sigh of relief because I feared you had buried your soul too far away to feel pain and fear. It certainly would not be the first, many use jokes and humor to mask their pain, I just didn’t want to feel alone.
I wondered myself why they ask for more each time, and I stand yet again by your bed; my eyes plead silently for your peace as once more I search for thin veins. You always had a joke or two and on this day you gazed at me, almost in whispers your words reached my ears.
“Please not all of it, for I still need some till that day” then you winked, and I recoiled inwardly in horror. Those gorgeous hazel eyes, sparkling like the brightest light in the dimly lit hospital room, smiled back at me. You dared me to cry.
How could you find humor at a time like this, knowing full well what lay ahead? But you hung in there and when morning came; once more you woke at dawn.
You made it back home again, to the astonished specialist and busy blood collectors; you shocked them all; but not me my love. You became my reason to wake every day, filling in shifts that all rejected, soon your bedside became my shrine and we lived each day as the last.
That day that you slept, I sat and watched you for hours. Often a smile will grace the corners of your mouth, and I would wonder what you saw. Gradually your face relaxed, and indeed you seemed to glow. I did not need to touch your pulse or even lean to feel your breath; your perfectly serene face was all I needed to know you had slept.
It’s been nine months, two days and three hours; since you fell asleep. Yet to me it’s still yesterday when I sat and watched your face. I remember it all like it happened still, the sound of your voice, the twinkle in your eye, and the soft throttle of your laughter.
I remember needle pricks and coffin beds of the MRI’s…I remember sneaking Lattes and burnt toasts. The toasts especially became a treat, because they made us remember days not too long ago; when you burnt everything my love but I still relished every bite and savored every morsel. These memories of you warms my body and slowly I crawl into bed so I can be with you, even if only in my dreams.
As I close my eyes, I pray for sleep. Come quick oh sweet slumber; come take me to my love.
Lately somewhere between sleep and stir…in a world neither here nor there; is the only place I can find you my love. Have you, touch you, feel your complete essence as we gaze into each other’s eyes.
Here I still see your soul, and in perfect unison we merge, wholesome attention, uninterrupted and with zeal, we become one again. Come sleep; come quick…take me home to my love.