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Feelings in the heart of men often leave a sweet or sour taste; either way, one chooses which is more desirable to hold on to. I know a feeling which leaves the heart pounding and the mind gasping for breath, for dear life….in all of this, the state of a man’s heart is never fully comprehended.

It’s almost like being in two worlds. In one, you know for sure that you belong there: this is your reality and your life’s journey happens here. Then there’s the other world of escape, which to all intents and purposes is a fantasy; where you create utopia, a haven for those times when the equilibrium of your real word seems too hard and falling apart.  You think this is it, I belong here. And then, you foolishly hold on to this false or temporary reality, because life in the real world seems like it is suddenly moving too fast, towards what you think is the wrong direction.

Some of us do come back to down to earth and continue with the drudgery of our existence. Others find resolve, dig in with hope and focus on living one day at a time. Then, there are many who, unfortunately, are consumed with the misery of their present reality, would rather choose to hold on to illusions; these remain and never leave their utopia until the bubble bursts. When this finally does happen, it’s usually too late. So much irreparable damage would have been done.

So how does one hold on to a reality that seems bleak and gloomy? Why not hold on to a fantasy?  How does one separate these two states of consciousness? The answers to these lie in our perception of life and our convictions. And then there is the heart… if there is harmony between our perceptions, conviction and our heart, then we are on a roll; but if the heart is in conflict with our perceptions and convictions…

As life unfolds, I realize more each day how everything is interwoven. People though different in makeup, basically all seek for the same things in life. How we each proceed towards achieving these things are determined by our moral fiber and convictions; compasses which we hold on to dearly and by which we all find our bearings as we define them and they in turn define us.

For so long I have been very sad about my relationship with so many people. I felt betrayed by their actions and attitude towards what I thought was a mutually cherished affiliation. For some, it’s all about what they can get out of you or a situation, forgetting that sometimes you have to go the extra mile just to help raise a fallen spirit.

This has always been my belief and I thought surely, it’s the most logical disposition we all ought to have in any situation. Gradual change in events and everyday life has awakened me to my naive mind set: we all can’t be the same.

I have now come to understand that every behaviour, thought, action or inaction exhibited by everyone, has an original instigator. To the end that there is always a lesson to be learnt from any and every situation, regardless of what we think the outcome is or seems like. Somewhere down the line, those meant to gain, know or understand something from the occurrence will do just that at the appropriate time.

Knowing what I now know, I aspire and struggle each day to evolve to a level when I can make the physical effort, to try and succeed in repairing the rift I have suffered with so many people in my life for some time now.

In other words, I had to experience life in a certain manner. Every soul I have ever met or will ever meet, and how we have or will each influence each other is meant to be exactly the way or manner things have played out or will play out. Even if it means or meant all the betrayals, cheatings and abuse, just so that I could go just a little further in my journey, understanding and personal knowledge of life, and what it is that will define and shapen my reality.

This does not make things hurt any less; however I believe that as I progress, my new found understanding will help me journey through life a lot easier.

This is why the joy we find in companionship and friendships should be so much treasured and cherished. No man is an island. No one can exist in a vacuum. No one can learn or journey through life without the help of others. We learn and grow through interaction, hence the world is the mirror that reflects and defines that which we are to ourselves and others.

Inasmuch that we cannot grow or learn in isolation from others, part of life’s growing process is isolation. Just as we need company, we equally need isolation; some of us more than others. Through the process of spending some alone time with ourselves, we further define and enhance ourselves. It’s the only way to engage in reflection and introspection. It’s the way nature intended for us to reenergize our ’batteries’ like the Energizer bunny so that we keep going on and on.

Although many of us thrive in the company of others, some like me thrive in our own company. It doesn’t mean that we don’t like company; we just enjoy our personal time than most others. People like me fulfill the desired or sometimes obligatory role of wives, husbands, friends or lovers as an accepted part of our lives. And if you are lucky enough to find kindred spirits in a spouse or someone who will understand your makeup and respect it, you would have hit jackpot.

I cherish my life with my family and I treasure my relationship with my husband because our world together is so unique that it is only of late that I have come to the realization that he has actually helped me evolve to my present state of awareness. He sees me for who I am and has over the years taught me not make apologies for my difference. Even in weakness, he sees my strength and does not stop reaffirming it until I begin to acknowledge it myself. “We learn strength from weakness my love.” he would whisper each time another friend boycotts me on the account that I seem weird.

The greatest challenges I face are those which concerns him and our children, and with every defeatist attitude or agenda I carve up; he brings an unwelcome reasonable solution to. Most times my head is neither ready to hear nor absorb these solutions, and we don’t get a resolution for that moment. But in my time of calm, my heart sees it and I am forced to acknowledge my fears and weaknesses, through which I become strengthened, which eventual takes me to another level of acceptance and so forth.

I must confess that this does not come easily. I fight it with all of my being because I always feel that a piece of me is being torn away. Why must I be the one to change and accommodate everyone else? Why hold on to a negative piece of anything right? Well this is the foolishness of man, we tend to hold on to whatever we feel or think gives us strength…no matter the effect.

Somehow as we went along in our real world, I suddenly have found my faith! Or rather I would say that faith found me. I no longer go to or need my so called utopia or fool’s paradise. I now know that my world is only as real as I accept it to be, holding on to the people and things that define me and which enhance my growth.

I now know that strength can only be gained out of weakness…Life is not so bad now in the real world!

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